tired? scared? torned? missing?

been feeling dwn again... haiz... was reading my old blog site... every entry i wote... brings back so many memories... i guess those times were the best times of my life... my best half a year...

n the next half a year... was my worst ba... everything frm so rite become so wrong...

some entries juz brought back tears to my eyes... wondering... how could someone changed so much....

i feel not myself...

my heart's juz not wif mi... missing... sometimes... i cannot feel myself breathing...

i kind of hate botak man now... NS man... but of coz... got no choice.. coz most of them are in NS now... i duno... NS realli can change a person so much... but good or bad changes... i cannot differ...

hmm....might b intending to take up a business bacholar degree in SIM... good? well...actually i juz wan to keep myself busy ba... so tat i wun think of... ....

wan go out... wan to b in company of pple... especially weekends... so tat i can b entertain n wun think so much... but... most of them... either still studying... else working... NS... or attached... need to accompany their bf... *sob*

lonely... ever so lonely~~

haiz...mayb i m used to being submissive ba... i mean for now...

haiz... felt tat i had actually been v mean to my ah mah... duno y... i juz dun feel like toking to her anymore... i juz wan to avoid her.... even at hm... sometimes when she juz asked mi something... i will feel irriated... n ignore her... i feel bad abt tat... i din wan to do tat too... but i juz did... mayb i m scared ba... scared of wad... i oso duno how to sae... scared tat one day... she will leave mi... she will abandon mi like wad tat person did... ya... mayb tat is wad i m scared of ba...

Chiong ah~

tell mi...how funny n coincidence is it... to msg someone... then another person used tat someone's fone to call u... then out of no where on the street bump into them... haha...

do i look funny yest? huh? why r u staring at mi yest daoren? was it u too long din c mi or i looked funny?

anyway... met up wif leen... makan dinner... shop shop walk walk... then~~~

chinablack!!! hmm... went dwn there to get free drinks... spent quite some time checking IC... dun look like mi meh?! =p anyway... drink until quite full... 6 glasses oh hsepour... played some stupid fist games... lose one muz drink... n i being rather retarted in finger games... lost quite badly... drink loh... well... din realli grumble much... coz i rather drink...

ok.. enuff of drinking... next stop... ZOUK!!! spent quite abit of time checking IC too... finished drinking... high liao muz dance... at 1st dance floor empty... once past 12 midnite... full until cant even move... saw some gays dancing... *puke* 2 china gals dance like they ki dang... then got 4 ang mo gals dancing like... like... hmmm... i oso duno how to sae... not forgetting to mention i was molested by 2 angmo guys!!! but... ok lah... looked quite handsome n tall... so i m not complaining.... actually... stepping into those to places... i was juz being reminded of someone... haiz... but well... no point... blah...

got back hm... but din slp... was pretty much awake... gave a morning call at 0615... went lying dwn on my bed at 7 pluz... then instant knock out...

spent a rather aimless day... received many msgs frm pple i least exspected... ki jiao my baby cuz...AG today... freshies...

hmm...prawn fishing tml... shld b fun.. i think...

i wan go out...

basket... prawn fishing tio postpone... why?~?~? =(

now i duno wad to do for the rest of my day le... argh...

woke up this morning frm a weird dream which i cant realli rem... not wet dream... ok... hmm... then tot of someone... haiz... *bang wall*

realli sickening...

i need to do sth... i need tat prawn fishing thing to b on!~!~!~!~

i think i going nuts soon...

2 movies in a row

as i was feeling amazed... i closed the cover of my new book (harry potter and the half-blood prince)... i had took a total of 4 days to complete this book instead of the usual 1 day... during these 4 days... i had let my mind run wild wif the story line... wondering wad will happen next... basically... let my mind b occupy...

but as i was finishing the last sentense of the book... my mind actually went blank... n when i regain my mind... to my greatest dismay... the thoughts tat i had partly hidden somewhere... hopefully forgotten... appeared again... they juz engulfed my mind...

why? someone juz kill mi plz...

hmm... anyway... was out in town wif bren yest... horrible weather... it was still raining... but... guess wad... we caught 2 movies for free... yup... u din see wrongly... n i din type wrongly... its FREE... we din even noe at 1st...

all thanx to cathay's 70th year anniversary.... juz present a cutting frm the straits times... u r entitled to 2 free tix...

but... those newspaper din come easy... walked half an orchard juz to find straits times... n when we found it... we bought the last 2 copies... yes... 2 copies... greedy? so? we r talking abt 2 free movies here... saving $15... $15 ok... n 2 cuttings mean $30... hey... tats alot ok...

anyway... saw fantastic 4 n alot like love... had a good luff... something i haven been doing for the last 2 mths pluz...bought another lot of rubbish... sunglass... lipgloss... chocolate(for the sake of the pooh bear container)...

had dinner wif the GE... no AG pple... chit chat... tok cock sing song... reached hm at 2300hr...came to realise this... i have been coming hm at 2300hrs everday... or otherwise later... hmm...

Changes?

was in my uncle's car coming back frm a family cum m ah mah b-dae dinner... i had summarised tat how i had changed/grow since sec sch days... they r as follows...

1. i had abandoned my spects for contact lens permenently... i think...
2. i had embace my long time enermy - skirt - as my best fren now...
3. i had slowly... throw my sport shoes, sneakers n flat shoes.. n had heels as replacement...
4. i had allowed paint (make-up) to b covered on my face...
5. i had oso allow my buckets of paints (make-up set) to grow... rapidly...
6. i had pierced my ears... n able to take them out as n when i like...
7. i had lost a reasonable amount of weight... frm sec sch times - 62kg- till now - 55kg-...
8. i had moved out of my hse... living on my own...
9. i had started to drink alcohol like water...
10. i had simmered dwn quite abit.. (my temper)
    

hmm... did i missed out anything?? if i did... tell mi...

so to conclude... m i a changed person?? mayb... i duno... if i had changed in any way... i hoped i din... coz i would haf been a more strong-headed person to deal wif wadever negative things tat had came or coming my way....

rain... still rain...

16th July 2005... it was still raining in the morning... laid dwn on my bed quite late last nite... or rather... this morning... took a short nap.. n opened my eyes at 6 pluz... juz cant slp... was on the fone wif ade n eileen late... had breakfast wif eileen... juz wasn't in the mood for swimming...

well... harry potter's out today... bought the book... shall do my best to indulge myself in the book for the next one week... instead of sorrow n alcohol... ok.. mayb not one week.. but at least one day... i shld b able to finish the book in a day...

tats bad uh... i'm a speed reader... i m a god damn speed reader... i cant slow dwn... or mayb i shld slow dwn... to waste more of my time... haiz.... din go for tat modeling class... din go anywhere... i think other than drinking... dazing... i haf no other interest le..

somehow... i still can feel the touch... its vague.. yet familar... i noe tat the chapter had close... but somehow or rather.. well....

**p.s: tried to publish yest... but my aunt's com is juz such a let dwn...

its raining man...

its still raining... its wet n cold....

i had always love rainy days... i had so much happy memories tat happened in rainy days....

but now... i m starting to hate rain... coz those happy memories had become painful thoughts tat mercilessly scratches hard in my mind...

its cold... freezing.... n i missed the warmth...

too much to ask for? all i can do now is to hug my baby jack-jack cushion...

hmmm.... its still raining.... is the rain stopping soon? the rain juz makes mi think too much... toooooooo much....

another day...

haf u ever started everyday... feeling lost n lonely±?

i duno y± i juz feel horrible... i often asked myself... is it worth it± n often... i would end up crying... i already lost count of how many times i would cry myself to slp... n wake up crying again...

how long more is this going to last? i duno...anyway... andy called n asked mi if i wan to b an air stewardess... seriously... i duno... *bang wall* dun feel like doing anything at all...

tian kong

this song juz sang out my feelings.... *sob*

天空-蔡依林-
詞：衛斯理/小米 曲：衛斯理 製作人：阿弟仔

聽著自已的心跳　沒有規則的跳躍　
我安靜的在思考 並不想被誰打擾
我們曾緊緊擁抱　卻又輕易地放掉
那種感覺很微妙　該怎麼說才好時間分割成對角
停止你對我的好　瓦解我們的依靠

在你離開之後的天空 我像風箏尋一個夢　
雨後的天空　是否有放晴後的面容
我靜靜的望著天空　試著尋找失落的感動
只能用笑容　期待著雨過天晴的彩虹

graduation....

i m a graduate... so? wads the big fuck?

walking up on stage to receive my cert... ok... the folder is empty... but... it was supposed to b exciting... happy.. n when u receive the cert... u r supposedt to smile for the camera... but... i juz walked the stage like a zombie... totally emotionless... forced a smile... then walked dwn the stage... this is how i spent my few glorious sec on stage...

all i hoped for was faster end... faster end...walked dwn to ge rm... or mayb now shld call the ag rm... wanted to play guitar... but ran through the cabinet instead... sat dwn at one side... looking through the fotos...

so much memories juz came back... n duno y... almost every fotos... got someone's face... frm the past fotos till recent ones... haiz...

anyway... chit chat wif weiling... then went mac to tok somemore... was all alone in bus 8... then my brain starts to wonder ard again... haiz... thinking back... why was i so naive ? thinking... mayb it will b different... it might haf a happy ending... but i was so wrong.... yet... even i noe i m wrong.... i still hope for a miracle i guess....

to love is??

why I love someone who's love was never mine?

If you're afraid to love a person because offriendship, you have two choices: either tell whatyou feel and let the love take place or hide thefeeling under a friendship full of pretensions.

It's hard for two people to love each other whenthey live in two different worlds but when thesetwo worlds collide and become one, that's what youcall magic!

Love can never be so beautiful without friendship.One leads to another and the process isirreversible. The best of lovers is the greatestof friends!

I like you because you're my friend, and becauseyou are my friend I care, and because I care, Ilove you. I don't love you because you are myfriend, I love you because I do!

Sometimes I've asked myself, what would make mehappy? To think that I have everything else, I getwhat I want. Then I realized it was YOU, too bad'cause it's you i can't have. I can't choose whoI'm gonna love, but I also can't love who choosesto love me.

And you can't blame me in choosing to love you asmuch as I can't blame you for not learning to loveme. I'm sorry if you can't love me the way youloved the one before me, so I'll let you go findhim/her and hope someday you'll see that the onetrue love you're looking for was the one who setyou free.

"How can I say goodbye to someone I never had?
Why do tears fall for someone who was never mine?
Why is that I miss someone I was never with and Iask why I love someone who's love was nevermine?"

Isn't it funny we're trying to catch the attentionof the one we think we love; we hardly notice theone we're really looking for was just there. Youdon't notice them 'till they are in the arms ofsomeone else.

Food for thought, think of this:Have you really cared for someone more than youexpected?
Have you ever tried to love him/her despite of allthe pain?

Will you keep on loving him/her as he/she whisperssomeone else's name? Will you?
It's better to lose your pride with someone youlove rather than lose that someone you love withyour useless pride. When you love someone, don'texpect that person to love you back the sameamount. One of you will be head, the other behind.It's either you catch up or the other waits.

When you love, you must not accept anything inreturn, for if you do, you're not loving butInvesting.

If you love, you must prepare to accept pain, forif you expect happiness, you're not loving butusing. True love hears what is not spoken, andunderstands what is not explained, for lovedoesn't work in the mouth, nor the mind, but inthe heart...

Love is like standing on wet cement, the longeryou stay the harder it is to leave and you cannever go without leaving your prints behind.

Don't love a person like a flower, because aflower dies in season.

Love them like a river because a river flows forever.
Love doesn't have to have a happy ending, 'causelove doesn't have to end at all.

Never be afraid to fall in love. It may hurt a lot, itmay give you aches and pains, but if you don'tfollow your heart, in the end you will cry even morefor not giving love a chance.

Love may leave your heart like shattered glass,but keep in mind that there's someone who'll bewilling to endure the pain of picking up the piecesso you could be whole again.

The cruelest thing a guy could do to a girl is to lether fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch herfall! And fooling around with her feelings like theymeant nothing. (This goes for girls as well).

Baron's pub

i m badly bruised again.. i guess i will never learn... i had juz sank too deep...

someone juz kill mi plz...

yes... i dun honour my life... wads the point... no one cares anway...

someone said i scared him... well... i m scared of myself... i m v scared of wad has become of mi... so... kill mi...

was approached by this korean modeling manager this evening... when walking to meet leen to drink... this was like the 4th time already... but... i juz haf no mood... juz kill mi...

drinking is like nothing to mi now... no kick... mayb i shld pick up smoking...

but i wuld b stinky...

accept the fact... some pple say... i did... i tried... but.. so? conclusion?

in my near to 20years of living... after all the education i had received... after all the pple i had encountered... i juz failed to learn one thing... never trust anyone too much... never love anyone too much... coz... up till the end... the one getting hurt would b mi...

find someone to replace... ade said... if it can b done... i wun haf done it 2 mths ago... y let myself b crushed over n over again by a bulldozer last nite?

graduation is 2molo... i still duno if i wan to go...

simply to say... i dun wan to do anything... i juz wan... i juz wan.... ...... .....

u r still my desire...

hmm... alot of things happened this week... haiz... was home everyday onli after 1am... zzzz... no choice got agm...

things was realli fun on thurs nite... went town wif yenting... did a make over... smokey eyes... strum n sing... haha... after everything end... mi, jess n yenting start to do pole dancing... took fotos... almost kanna kissed by ngiap siong... haiz... went makan at bedok 85... order heineken... then nic, leon n marc oso start to order oso... dar 2 mugs... one drank wif straw... high~ got hm late again...

was watching the video for our strum n sing session... skip alot of pple's part... :p... then saw alot of head in the video... mainly sharu's n jiwen's...

took another glass of red wine... n zzz at 3 pluz ba...

took leave yesterday... went dwn to tamp to meet ngiap siong for lunch... at billy bomber's... gave jw a make over... he had got such a kissable lips... then they wanted to go watch mr n mrs smith... but i need to take sth frm bishan leh.. so no choice.. went back to take 1st... argh... basicly.. i m like travelling frm bishan to tampine... then tampine to bishan.... n bishan to tampine...

after movie... was invite to dine wif ngiap's family... we all *shy shy*... after was supposed to go ecp.. but... haiz... din go... raining... n go got mood to go... was supposed to go zouk oso... but... sry ah... realli got no mood to go...

went dwn to toa payoh... met zhu... bought vodka... drink tok... hmm... oya.. my lappy spoilt... duno wads wrong... cant go online... haiz...

haf to wake up ealier again to send ns off to tekong... haiz... so sad... one good fren went in le... one less super lame fren... will miss u ngiap zi...

2000 msgs

hmmm.... juz realised i got almost near to 2000 msgs stored in my hp... was reading through the msgs seeing which ones i can delete away... reading the msgs... they really brought back alot of memories.... happy n sad.... haizz... deleted alot but most i juz dun bear to...

went for pool juz now...

today is sunday le... haizz... my mind now is very confusing... argh....

13th july.... dun feel like going...

hmmm.... graduation is juz round the corner... next wed in fact... excited? some might asked... well... no... in fact... i juz got no mood to b bother abt the upcoming graduation... every other pple.. will b so happy that this day had finally come... after 3 obnoxious years of battles wif horrible exam papers... we emerge winner n go on stage to claim our prize.... that piece of bloody paper.... which oso saes.... " congratulations... u have completed the course of intelligent buildng tech...."

haiz.... actually... i m looking very forward to this day... where i will receive my cert n graduate... wif 2 of my most impt pple witnessing... but now... haiz... 2-1=1... realli find no point going...

i dunno if i had done something stupid again... but... i guess tat is some pain i haf to endure... if i wan to noe the answers... anyway... realli got no motivation in life.... i juz need tat someone to pull mi out.... hope... this sun... will b a good day ba....

5.43pm... damn... still so early... meeting eileen lata at 8pm... haix... sit haf to rot for quite some time.... hmmm... baby cuz shouting dwnstairs... mayb go dwn n ka jiao him abit ba...

money money money

juz reach hm.... haven even bath... kinda lazy to climb upstair...

eileen told mi this... " u actually looked alrite loh... can luff n everything... why make urself so depress everytime..." well... i m DEPRESS... its juz tat... since i m goin out wif other pple... no point i v depress there... then in the end... make the rest of u all depress oso rite... i can luff n joke ard wif frens ard... but when i m alone... or at hm... ya... thats a different story all together....

hmm... lets tok abt some uplifting things ba... i went shopping.... =)... bought a bag... 2 pairs of earrings... shampoo... blazer.... n ya... not forgetting drinks... buying things seemed to make mi happy a little... i noe... stupid... but... shopping realli kinda de-stress mi... BUT... (yesh... theres a big but..) shopping means spend $$.... spend $$ means no $$... haiz... i cant do window shopping... no kick... so i need $$... lots of $$...

k lah... i like say until i v $$ money face.... been a finance head too long... got side effects liao... but... finance head is supposed to save $$ n not spend $$ rite... hmm.... wadever...

eat my mini apple 1st... then c if i wan to bath anot... coz 2molo go swimming... can bath in the pool... =p... ^.^... (realised that i v long never use this ^.^ face le... hmmm...)

still in depression mode...

quite abit of things happened recently... good n bad... while base on my few previous blogs... u guys can guess tat i m rather... no... very depress... hmm.. very little things ard mi can set off my tear duct alarm...

came across... sth in germaine's blog... quote out sth...
" what are the good points of being single? shall i state, i am at the moment none too interested. but here's a list i have compounded based on pointers listed out by many of my enterprising friends.
- no more worries about the one idiot in your life that has been the bane of your existence every single minute from the time you started having problems to the time you actually broke up.
- the fact that you are henceforth allowed to date, kiss, sleep with new fellas just dying to be given a chance
- you no longer are obliged to report your whereabouts to whomsoever at whatsoever time.
- you have so much more free time, with no more need to keep strategic time slots free (like saturday afternoons) for your significant, or in my case insignificant, other.
- you are no longer weighed by guilt should you feel naughty and decide to do something you shouldn't do by right of being attached.
- you needn't conform your schedules to anyone.
- you needn't shave your legs, or genitals all that often.
- you needn't wear that favourite bra or g string unless you want to.
- you needn't plan to impress anyone anymore.
- if you want to watch that romantic movie, there isn't even a second thought at all. men sometimes have cinematic taste equivalent to rotting carcasses. (Triple X 2, HAH! nuff' said) "

all the above said are true... realli... but yet... i still wan to b loved... hug... i still wan to spend time to doll up myself to make him proud... (used to think its a waste of time... n i still think so... been almost late or juz on time for most of my appointments... well... haiz...)

in any case... i noe when some things are over... its over... n can never... will never get back... n one cant live in the past... i noe all these... i gave the exact same advices to pple... but... i juz cant do what i preach....

did n done alot of stupid things these few weeks... but... let mi juz put my actions into a few simple words... [i realli cant help it]... some is habit... some is.. well... i duno... juz cant help it.. argh...

move on move on move on... blah blah blah... heard this a dozen times... but... hey... i m in still quite depress ok...

btw... went to the dreamcars motorshows 2005... on sun.. well... cars were all frm jap... got onli 2 larmorgini...on of them is carbon-fibre one... matted looking... nice.... but fake looking... well... still got alot of cars... lazy to type... type next time ba...

going dwn... juz going dwn...

sad... bored... depressed... ignored... haiz... can life get any worst?

freedom???

it was a dramatic nite last nite... will not elaborate here...

moving out tomolo le... this time... wif my family's approve... of coz... dun include my mum... hmm... dun if i shld b happy or wad... juz feel very weird... i shld b happy of my new-found freedom... but... somehow like... hmm duno lah...

duno if i can slp peacefully tonite... ok... mayb not slp... cannot slp anyway... even i m damn tired... i juz wan to have a peaceful nite... quiet nite...

anyway... anyone got rooms to rent?? got lobangs?? msg mi ba...

Ignore

argh... ignore my previous blog... i m going nuts... got a fucking big prob now... dun even noe how to solve...

haiz...

i realli started to hate daytime... at nite... i would always console myself... thinking its juz a dream... its nth more but a dream... things would always b so-called "happy-ending"... but the moment i opened my eyes... my heart juz sank... the cold fact juz slap mi str8 on the face...
i need a job now... desperately... i need $$... to pay for my driving lessons... my dental... blah blah blah... life sux...