dis-oriented

who is able to determine ones' worth in ones heart? can u? i dun think even god can... ever since adam n eve took the forbidden fruit... the one up above cannot control us anymore... sad... but true... i actually hope... our 2 ancenstors... never took the forbidden fruit... or... beta still... god never created us...

emotions... feelings... wad are those things... who can define wad is happy... wad is sad... or even wad is love n hate... all these feelings are often juz separated by nth but a thin line... n often... this line is breach...

these fews days... my feelings was all mixed up... (juz like the batter i beaten wif an electric mixer @ yenting's hse) i juz cannot untangle my thoughts n emotions... n often... i let myself knowingly fall into such undesirable situation... pure stupidity? ya... mayb...

sometimes already know that there is a deadend sign... yet... i still drive myself into the deadend... then i will b disappointed... upset... worried... cry... like wad eileen said... wads the point... no one will noe... but... such things juz cannot b controlled...

walked hm frm the interchange... in the rain... drenched... hoping foolishly the cold, heavy rain will wake up my senses... ironically... the rain washes the pain deeper into my heart... then i realised to wake up means to endure the pain... a pain that i had been through be4... n have to go through again... no matter how...

my efforts... i guess... juz wun b appreciated... mayb... i will cry my nights away... like every other nights... still praying naively... my distorted heart will b re-oriented by ... ...

u noe who u r... read this entry...

stuffed 2 packets of maggie mee n throw out in the end... but feeling slightly beta i guess... after toking to darryl.. mayb like wad he said... give some time ba... haiz... wad he said is so on the dot...

** to tat whoever** i m realli tired... to alot of things... yet.. i m not slpy... n i wun give up... u wan to give mi problems... u wan to avoid problems... u wan to run away... nvm... mi... esther leow play wif u till the end... u wan time? i gif u time... but i wan answers too... n i swear to get them... n for ur own sake's... face the problem... please..

hmm... still not sleepy.. watching true call now... mayb i shld get some orange juice n mixed them wif absolut... drown myself abit...

P.S: wan to thank these few pple...
= yenting... for pretending to b someone u r not...
= baozhu... for worrying....
= darryl... for listening to my crap 12am in the morning... giving advises...

useless mi...

hmm... got my absolut raspberry today... yay~... but no one to share wif...

din wan to go hm early today... nua ard in orchard for almost 2 hrs b4 i gum wan go hm...

feeling very mixed-up now... shld i b worried? m i being lied to? i duno... but i choose to believe... becoz i believe... i m worried... very worried... i wan to noe wad happen... but i noe i m not in a position to ask anymore... *sob* haiz...

super duper sway

alot of things happened....

thursday

went to GE to help out for the audition thingy... then rushed back hm to watch jue dui superstar's result show... haiz... sad... darryl got kicked out... he cried sia... i see like so sad... oso cried abit... called yenting... tok tok... then oso called darryl... find out how is he.. he sounds quite alrite... but... i noe he juz put a front onli... haiz...

friday

met yenting in the afternoon... hang ard in j8 for awhile... then acc yenting to pasir ris for her fren's b-dae chalet... felt rather xtra if i go... then rem tat ngiap zi book out at 4pm... so went to his hse... then meet yenting again lata...

muahaha... he is botak... n very tanned now... then he was washing his clothes... at a point of time... when he walked passed mi... i tot he actually smelled like someone... haiz... then when he started toking abt army stuff... got to leave his hse early... coz he needs to go to his grandma's place to makan dinner... so i was abandon to go to white sand to walk walk 1st...
waited for yenting for a v long time sia... then i sat dwn outside comic connection to wait for her... haiz... then i rem tat some past... haiz... *sad*

finally met up wif yenting n ngiap zi... went to changi airport for coffee.. free coffee wor... coz peiying was working tat day... lucky... chit chat abit... then left airport ard 1045pm... took bus 88 hm.... but i dropped dwn at sengkang to take a cab hm instead... faster.. n bumped into alvi... hmm...

saturday

went to ngiap zi hse to record song... haha... got jiwen, biling, jess, ryan, siang yue, yenting, weiling... we realli like a bunch of crazy pple sia... tok cock n sing song... played ard in his hse... then left for orchard lido to watch intial d....

sway... so sway... was at lido for movie... tt was realli a wrong place to catch movie sia... haiz... went to isetan to get drinks.. bumped into someone i dun wan to c for the rest of my life... i realli can strike toto liao.. face to face somemore... realli sway.. make mi so du lan...

argh... anyway... initial d was not bad lah... quite comical... n the drifting was realli wah loh... hmm... i realli think i shld take my basic le... go n sign up next week... yay...

in the show... was reminded of alot of things... especially the holding hands part... argh... *bang wall*... decided to left early... b4 i left... tat bloody marcus... punch mi again... fucking asshole... everytime c mi... will at least punch mi 2 times... wtf loh... i was so angry i juz yelled off at him in the public... =.=zzzz.... anyway... got hm le... but... v sian... nth much to do...

sunday

went orchard again... shopping... bought another short skirt... boxers... 2 new watches... n... lots more... haha...

was rather mad juz now... y? my cousin dropped my bottle... my new bottle... got 2 dents now... ahhhhh.... %$#^^%^&$^... idiot...din even sae sry... *fuming mad*

botak botak botak~~

lalala... at ngiap zi's hse now... have to nua here until yenting comes... haiz... btw... ngiap zi is botok now!!!! haha... muahahahahahahhaah.... i think i m the 1st to witness his botak-ness... hoho...

din get to go chinablack... argh... but reach back hm ard 1am... left yenting's hse at 12 pluz... zzz.... wan to go hm put things... then go out... then... eh... haha... once i reach hm... i lazy to go out le... =p...

kbox...

hmm.... finally... mon was the last straw... handed in my resignation le... met bren in town to shop shop... got my pay for yest... $44... n i bought a new top... $43.. haha... left onli $1...
went kbox today... wif darryl n yenting... n i lost $10 today... one $10 note disappear... =(... in the end... got to let darryl treat mi... feel so bad... but he promised to treat mi in the 1st place... haha...

was singing ji de by zhang hui mei... haiz.. was abit sad... suddenly was reminded of a lot of things...

went to pai pool... hmm... it had been ages since i last touched pool...

went to darryl's hse... we walked there... argh... drizzling... dun mind walking in the rain... but... quite far wor.... they were playing hei bai pei.. witnessed 2 gays kissing (darryl n james)... n i got kissed by yenting... omg... eek...

hmm... got prob crop up for tml nite... haiz... so tml got go chinablack anot... argh... i wan to go... haiz...

eski bar

tire... juz finished cooking... zzz....

went to eski bar last nite to chill out... it was supposed to b sub-zero... n technically chill out environment... but... its not cold one!!! the most mayb 20 degrees like tat onli... bleah...

finally... i drank graveyard last nite... tasted like stout mixed wif coke... hmm... rather gas-sy... saw a drink on the menu... was dying to order... "blowjob"... haha... mi n yenting luff until pengz... dun even noe how to order... coz the person who served us was a guy... even if ger... oso duno how to sae sia..

anyway… ordered sex on the beach… chocolate martini… eski blue… absolut vanilla mixed wif sprite… eh… wad else ah… cant remembered le… I juz rem tat I brought $60 pluz out… n now… onli left one $10 note…
tah a few shots coz lose some games to yenting.. hei bai pei.. -.-zz... n was dared to kiss nicholas... haha.. oya... saw nicholas tang... haha... was shock sia... n frens ard mi sae he dun looked like 20... he looked like uncle... muahaha... k lah.. i think is becoz the way he dress ba... he was wearing a black basic tee n kaiki pants... i think...

reached hm late... almost 1 am in the morning... yenting came over n ton... din slp until almost 4am... haha... gers' tok...

SuperstaR....

haiz... keeping hoping for something tat will never happen.... *sad*

juz came back frm mediacorp... went to lend my support to darryl... superstar finalist wor... total of six finalist in the quarter final sang today... all had a "wah" voice... but was disappointed wif darryl's performance lah... sry ah... but.. haiz... nvm... still got chance... vote!!!

after seeing M5 wei lian performing... i oso suddenly got an urge of wanting to sing too... as in in public... but... haiz... my singing is like shit... face oso like shit.. c.m.i... no body wans mi le... wad makes other pple... strangers.... wan mi?? haiz....

2molo go kbox wif yenting they all...

wan to cut my hair... finally decided to cut le.... then came all these pple telling i will look beta if i leave my hair long... haiz... so shld i cut or dun cut leh?

i wan to go zouk... anyone wan to acc mi? plz....

Life....

life is realli unpredictable... haiz... received a very bad news on sat... haiz... realli sad....

it was yesterday... tat i had realised tat sometimes some things cannot b waited... n put on hold... life is short.. who noes... i might not c u 2molo... u might not c mi the next second...

n i might end my life wif regrets... i dun wan... i have decided... i have to go forward to break dwn walls in front of mi... even if i keep bumping into them... until i m bruised... i wan to sae wadever tats on my mind... wadever doubts tat i still have... but... i need to haf tat chance to do that... haiz...

will i be given tat chance??

tired but cant slp...

marcus... admit it... u r drank.... n stop punching mi... pain ok... =p... n... thanx for acc mi n listening to my problems... n drinking wif mi... oso sry... cant pei u pah pool... i got work 2molo.... sry sry...

hmm... wasn't able to slp last nite... cant find an alcohol in my aunt's hse... where is her beefeater sia... y cannot find... was kanna scolded by sharu... ok lah... not scold... nag is more like it... hmm...

v v v tired now... but i juz cant slp still... finally moved out... but... duno y... its like no feeling... not particularly happy or excited... haiz... i shld b happy ba... but no one to share my joy wif...
*sad*

i m still thinking of wad to do... wad shld i do ah.... haiz...

living hell accompanied by vodka...

can anyone believe... coming hm had become a torture... its juz living hell...

had packed all my stuff last nite le... realised got alot of things i need to take wif mi... actually... not much... after packing clothes n some daily necessities... i onli haf one bagpack... but.. i need my com n guitar.. n most imptly of all... some things n the alcohol... i cant juz leave them behind... lata she crazy throw them away how... she can throw my violin... my comics... my clothes... but not those stuff... n the alcohol...

i think everyone who knew mi would noe... i wan to move out at 21... suddenly... rem sth someone said.... haiz... which wun happen le ba...

realli wan to cry last nite... but anger came over mi... wad i had for her is juz pure hatred... nth more or less...

tired... becoz of that woman... i haven been slping well... or mayb i oso cant slp.. count sheeps... drink warm milk... cant get any slping pills... so absolut vanilla became my next best alternative... 4 to 5 pure shots now wun get mi drunk... but seh enuff to make mi slp... how long more do i need to continue drinking to slp? do i have to continue to do this for the rest of my life?? haiz...

.....

enuff is enuff... tat's the last straw... i m moving out... where? duno... dun bother to care anymore... even if i slp on the street.... i will still moved out... y... y did i wan to wait until today... juz wad is wrong wif her? say i bastard... useless.. failure... fine... i m... i m one useless bastard who fails in everything i do.... ok... happy?? everyone... happy??? i fail in everything in my life... in every aspect... my studies... my love life... my social life... my family life... anyway... wun b online for the next few days unless i can find internet access... ya... dun b surprise to find mi slping on he street... coz i haf no intention of going to my relatives hse...

Sway~~

going to work = sian... basket... tot MIA for more than 10days liao... office shld b packed... but... never... boss called mi to his office... files n files of works were stacked into my hands...

n was kanna accused by sth i din do... fuck it.. i hate being accused of sth i din do... realli feel like quitting...but i noe i cant... no job no $$... cannot move out...

but wad did i owe this world man... wad sway n bad things happened one after another... n it seems no end... haiz...

come back hm... oso c one black face...

m still thinking of wad i shld do... can i hope for the best?? mayb not... since negative things had been happening non-stop... =(

wad the....

damn it!!!! Β????ʇ??˭ȇ˭???????? realli loh... it had been almost 2 n a half years... been going to GE every mon n thurs... no change... today come n scold mi... say wad... never tell her i go GE... wtf!!!

wad do i owe all these pple sae... all of them... family... fren... n... argh... *bang wall*... someone juz kill mi... i will b grateful to u eternally...

haiz... anyway... watched 2 movie... madagascar n monster in laws... not bad...

was abled to wear one of my very very old jeans... i bought since sec 1... last time is can wear cannot zip... now is can wear can zip n still got space... measure waist... 25... hmm.... no wonder my 29 levis jeans can pull dwn liao...

anyway... was realli fuck up... realli realli fuck up... argh!! i wan to move out...

i will b saint soon...

hmm... din eat again... 2 days liao... wonder if i can break anymore record... weighed myself in one of the hotels in china... currently... i m at an amazing weight of 53kg... yup... i m shock too... julie still say wan to pump in her fats to mi... =.=" dun wan...

hmm.. now i m still think... wad shld i do... to do.. or not to do... hai... bang wall... do le... wad will happened next... if dun do... wad else shld i do... argh... fan ah~~

realli hope tat my brain is a hard-ware... can reformat when there is prob... haiz...
mum is crazy again... how long do i haf to continue living wif her? to b controlled by her? i wan my life back... is tat too much to ask... she had taken too much things away frm mi le... i wan them back... all of them...

oya... juz know tat AGM change date... 9th June, thur now... all are still invited...

Back to square 1???

touched dwn on 27th may... 09.10pm....

enjoyed this trip?? no.... juz haf no mood to go ard appreciate the culture or scenery....

din buy alot of stuff... juz for some close fren ba... went to DFS... bought some liquor... but not for my own consumption... for someone else...

wasn't in my best of mood when i touched dwn... n returned hm... mummy went crazy again...
intended to take leave tomolo... not in a state to go to work anyway... not only juz sick... but... haiz... juz got no mood to go to work... no work.. no money... but who cares...

hmm... i m back to the beginning... alone by myself again... strange? yay... feels strange... got to get used to it... got no more family there for mi... frens? they r always there beside mi... but... well... its still diff ba...

hmm... haven eat a single thing since yest morning.... ok lah... have lah... chewing gum... hmmm... strangely... i dun feel hungry at all...

kbox or movie 2molo?? anyone on??

leaving now...

hmm... i m at Changi airport terminal 2's mac now... going to board in soon... very tired... din realli slp... duno how m i going to so-called enjoy myself in this trip...

been actually pulling a long face from the moment i got out of my bed... even now... i realli duno cannot smile anymore.. or shld i sae.. i duno how to smile anymore.. i cant pull on tat "entertaining pple" smile to anyone...

many pple wished mi bon voyage... n to enjoy my trip... but the person i hope to hear frm the most did not sae anything... mayb i m juz plain dumb... i duno...

hmm... gtg... ciao..

leaving with a broken heart...

fly off to china 2molo le... coming back on 28th may nite time... actualli i got no mood to leave the country...

i cried... i had finally cried after 4 days... my heart is broken... realli broken... y.. y treat mi this way... shld i start to hate? i dun wan...

so wan to go the seaside walk walk... been wanting to go since sat... but... haiz... juz din go... too many memories there... i scare lata i realli walk into the sea...

b4 i leave... wan to sae thnx to frens who cared... sry.. let u all worry...

beTa Off DeAd..

remembered wad a fren said to mi a few nites... "u r a strong ger... u can one.. not a weakling like mi.. u cannot b weak... u can make it" y cant i b weak? cant i falter?

life had been sweet n bitter... more of sweet or bitter? some asked mi... i duno... i cant gauge anymore...

i m such a disgrace to women... i had lost my independence... and became dependence on someone... but now how m i going to regain my independence again...

fuck up... wads wrong wif pple today... boss sae wan to speak to evonne... ok... fine... i pass the fone to her... 1st time... she dun answer mi.. so i waited awhile... 2nd time i called her... she was actually show mi her anger... wtf... after answering the call... she still like very fed up n transfer the call to the other boss... basket... grumbled abt something under her breathe somemore...
wad had i done wrong??? wad the hell is wrong wif this world?? wad the hell is wrong wif all this pple?? fuck up... why is it that when i m being nice... pple juz dun return mi wif the same courtesy... every one... all the same...

now come n sry to mi... wads the use? sae sry got use... still have police for wad...

come to think of it... life hasn't been kind to mi... in every single way... once tot tat having him in my life... was the best thing tat had ever happened to mi... but i guess i was wrong... life will NEVER b kind to mi... wad had i done in my previous life to deserve all these treatments?

i noe i shld not n cannot let my heart feel this way anymore... realli need someone to gimmi one tight slap to wake mi up.... haiz... sad... heart pain... haiz...

LOst in the DaRKness...

heart feels very heavy... yet.. its empty... its juz like there is someone living wif u for a long time... yet... suddenly left... like a hse left vacant... lost my sense of direction.. clueless... aimless...

realli wan to cry... but juz cannot cry out... i juz the sky cried on my behalf last nite...